Fear

My name is Melissa, and I am afraid. I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of what could happen. I have to be careful what I watch, because everything freaks me out. I'm up writing this right now because I can't sleep because I've been watching Jericho with my husband and now I'm freaking out about what we would do in that situation. I've seen a shrink, and was diagnosed bi-polar, although I disagree with my diagnosis. I don't think you can diagnose someone in 10 minutes based on a 15 question worksheet. I'm just saying. I have horrible anxiety. Panic attacks. Sometimes based on TV shows or movies I've seen, and sometimes based on nothing at all. Driving on the Interstate almost always triggers one. It's been so bad that I thought I would have to pull over and call my husband to some get me. This is slowly driving me crazy. I can't fall asleep without my brain racing thoughts about end of the world scenarios. What would I do if... How would I protect my son if...I am on a medication called Geodon right now, but I think it is making me worse. I want to talk to my counselor about this, but I can't because I have to be the good patient who does as I am told and doesn't complain. I've been like that my whole life. I am a rule follower. Sometimes this does not serve me well. I have weird flashes of disturbing thoughts. Almost every time I smoke a cigarette, I have a thought of putting it out in my eye or an my skin. I don't plan n doing this, but the thoughts are still very disturbing. I am oping that by writing all this out I can get it out of my head and think sanely. I haven't told anyone about these thoughts because I am afraid that they mean that I am really losing my mind. I wonder about that daily. Am I losing it. Am I going insane. I wonder what normal people worry about. I can't remember what it was that I used to think about all the time before it was like this. Its like a compulsion. I can't stop. I feel like I am going mad. I know I haven't always had these thoughts. It started about a year ago. I think that's how long, but I'm not sure. When this forst tarted I reached out to my best friend for help, and she took me to the e.r. They sent me to the state mental hospital for an evaluation, but they just set me up an appointment with my county mental health and sent me home. I saw the psychologist for 10 minutes and filled out a worksheet and he said I was bi-polar and put me on the Geodon. I see a counselor every month or so, but I don't tell him everything, just what is on the surface. I miss my mind being clear. I miss sex with my husband when all I thought about was him. Now it's like I have to concentrate to even sleep with him. I miss being happy. I miss being calm. I am bored all the time. and I mean ALL the time. I constantly try to keep myself engaged in a show or a book so that I don't think. My ex-husband tried to use it against me last time I reached out for help, and now my best friend is with him, so I feel like I can't reach out to her now. I thought I could trust him, but he showed me that I can't. I feel like I have to fake it for everyone, and that just makes it worse.